http://electricscotland.com/history/america/donna/jokes.htm

Donna's Collection of Native American Indian Jokes Humor, Laughs and Jokes submitted by a number of tribal members The link below will leads you to a number of Donna's writing who is a Ponca Elder, as well. http://electricscotland.com/history/america/donna/index.htm

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• You attend a General Custer memorial dinner, and you wear an Arrow shirt.
• Someone at a picnic yells "Hey, you with the blanket, over here" and you think it's an invitation for romance.
• Dancing to "Running Bear" at your local bar and it begins to Rain.
• You put a "Free Peltier" sticker on your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house.
• You could be Indian if you get into a fight with the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant over--Sopapilla, or is it Fry Bread?
• Someone inadvertently points out directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking about.
• Someone asks you your stance on immigration, and you just laugh.

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• During a night out on the town, you announce you're going home and then you drive over five hours to get there.
• You should turn your head while all about you are turning theirs and blaming it on you.
• You use commodity can labels for your art collage project
• When you get hit in the head with an old piece of fry bread you see bluebirds.
• All the people in the community or town you live in are your cousins! (cousin-brother/cousin-sister).
• Your car starts with a screwdriver.
• Tou don't understand the purpose for storage lockers or their high rental costs, Why, the cars parked in your front
  yard store just as much stuff, plus it's free.

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• Your head automatically turns at the sound of "shhhhhhhh".
• Learning your ABC's was hard because you wondered what the joke was every time you heard "A" (AAAYE)
• In your everyday life you unintentionally seem to be breaking taboos.
• You use the pick up line "...Say, those are some slick wranglers, perhaps I could talk you out of them."
• You use the pick up line "...Hey, didn't we go to different boarding schools together?"
• You wake up after your 18th birthday with a wrecked truck, a hickey and bus ticket to Haskell.
• Your relative gets a nice jacket that you wish you had so say, "Geez Hey, I reeaally like that Jacket." (and he gives it to you).

YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......

• You have had a dog named Bear.
• Your travel luggage is designer black Hefty Cinch Sacks!
• You think that the Basic Food Groups are Spam, commodity cheese, fry bread, and Pepsi.
• Your dance outfit is in a suitcase held together by duct tape and powwow bumper stickers.
• You drive over 25mph and the paint peels off your rez truck. You tell your friends that you are letting Mother Nature sand
  it for you before you get a paint job.
• A powwow drum lead singer if your vocal nodules exceed the size of your tonsils.
• The first day at your new public school you're waiting for circle and the rest of the class stands for the pledge of allegiance, and as you look around the room you're the only one who doesn't know the words.

One of the best ways to understand a people is to know what makes them laugh. Laughter encompasses the limits of the soul. In humor life is redefined and accepted. Irony and satire provide much keener insights into a group's collective psyche and values than do years of research.

It has always been a great disappointment to Indian people that the humorous side of Indian life has not been mentioned by professed experts on Indian Affairs. Rather the image of the granite-faced grunting redskin has been perpetuated by American mythology.

People have little sympathy with stolid groups. Dick Gregory did much more than is believed when he introduced humor into the Civil Rights struggle. He enabled non-blacks to enter into the thought world of the black community and experience the hurt it suffered. When all people shared the humorous but ironic situation of the black, the urgency and morality of Civil Rights was communicated.

The Indian people are exactly opposite of the popular stereotype. I sometimes wonder how anything is accomplished by Indians because of the apparent overemphasis on humor within the Indian world. Indians have found a humorous side of nearly every problem and the experiences of fife have generally been so well defined through jokes and stories that they have become a thing in themselves.

For centuries before the white invasion, teasing was a method of control of social situations by Indian people. Rather than embarrass members of the tribe publicly, people used to tease individuals they considered out of step with the consensus of tribal opinion. In this way egos were preserved and disputes within the tribe of a personal nature were held to a minimum.

Gradually people learned to anticipate teasing and began to tease themselves as a means of showing humility and at the same time advocating a course of action they deeply believed in. Men would depreciate their feats to show they were not trying to run roughshod over tribal desires. This method of behavior served to highlight their true virtues and gain them a place of influence in tribal policy-making circles.

Humor has come to occupy such a prominent place in national Indian affairs that any kind of movement is impossible without it. Tribes are being brought together by sharing humor of the past. Columbus jokes gain great sympathy among all tribes, yet there are no tribes extant who had anything to do with Columbus. But the fact of white invasion from which all tribes have suffered has created a common bond in relation to Columbus jokes that gives a solid feeling of unity and purpose to the tribes.

The more desperate the problem, the more humor is directed to describe it. Satirical remarks often circumscribe problems so that possible solutions are drawn from the circumstances that would not make sense if presented in other than a humorous form.

Often people are awakened and brought to a militant edge through funny remarks. I often counseled people to run for the Bureau of Indian Affairs in case of an earthquake because nothing could shake the BIA. And I would watch as younger Indians set their jaws, determined that they, if nobody else, would shake it. We also had a saying that in case of fire call the BIA and they would handle it because they put a wet blanket on everything. This also got a warm reception from people.

Columbus and Custer jokes are the best for penetration into the heart of the matter, however. Rumor has it that Columbus began his journey with four ships. But one went over the edge so he arrived in the new world with only three. Another version states that Columbus didn't know where he was going, didn't know where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. And the white man has been following Columbus ever since.

It is said that when Columbus landed, one Indian turned to another and said, "Well, there goes the neighborhood." Another version has two Indians watching Columbus land and one saying to the other, "Maybe if we leave them alone they will go away." A favorite cartoon in Indian country a few years back showed a flying saucer landing while an Indian watched. The caption was "Oh, no, not again."

The most popular and enduring subject of Indian humor is, of course, General Custer. There are probably more jokes about Custer and the Indians than there were participants in the battle. All tribes, even those thousands of miles from Montana, feel a sense of accomplishment when thinking of Custer. Custer binds together implacable foes because he represented the Ugly American of the last century and he got what was coming to him.

Some years ago we put out a bumper sticker which read "Custer Died for Your Sins." It was originally meant as a dig at the National Council of Churches. But as it spread around the nation it took on additional meaning until everyone claimed to understand it and each interpretation was different. Originally, the Custer bumper sticker referred to the Sioux Treaty of 1868 signed at Fort Laramie in which the United States pledged to give free and undisturbed use of the lands claimed by Red Cloud in return for peace. Under the covenants of the Old Testament, breaking a covenant called for a blood sacrifice for atonement. Custer was the blood sacrifice for the United States breaking the Sioux treaty. That, at least originally, was the meaning of the slogan.

Custer jokes, however, can barely be categorized, let alone sloganized. Indians say that Custer was well-dressed for the occasion. When the Sioux found his body after the battle, he had on an Arrow shirt.

Many stories are derived from the details of the battle itself. Custer is said to have boasted that he could ride through the entire Sioux nation with his Seventh Calvary and he was half right- He got half-way through . . .

The years have not changed the basic conviction of the Indian people that they are still dealing with the United States as equals. At a hearing on Civil Rights in South Dakota a few years ago a white man asked a Sioux if they still considered themselves an independent nation. "Oh yes," was the reply, "we could still declare war on you. We might lose but you'd know you'd been in a terrible fight. Remember the last time in Montana?"

During the 1964 elections Indians were talking in Arizona about the relative positions of the two candidates, Johnson and Goldwater. A white man told them to forget about domestic policies and concentrate on the foreign policies of the two men. One Indian looked at him coldly and said that from. the Indian point of view it was all foreign policy.

The year 1964 also saw the emergence of the Indian vote on a national there was more scale. Rumors reached us that on the Navajo reservation that there was more enthusiasm than understanding of the political processes. Large signs announced, "All the Way with LBJ."

The current joke is that a survey was taken and only 15 percent of the Indians thought that the United States should get out of Vietnam. Eighty-five percent thought they should get out of America!

One of the most popular topics of Indian humor is the Bureau of Indian Affairs. When asked what was the biggest joke in Indian country, a man once said, "The BIA." During the years of termination, no matter how many tribes were being terminated the BIA kept adding employees. Since the thrust of termination was to cut government expenditures, the continual hiring of additional people led Indians to believe that such was not the real purpose. The rumor began that the BIA was phasing Out Indians and would henceforth provide services only for its own employees....

Perhaps the most disastrous policy, outside of termination, ever undertaken by the Bureau of Indian Affairs was a program called Relocation. It began as a policy of the Eisenhower administration as a means of getting Indians off the reservation and into the city slums where they could fade away.

Considerable pressure was put on reservation Indians to move into the cities. Reservation people were continually harassed by bureau officials until they agreed to enter the program. Sometimes the BIA relocation officer was so eager to get the Indians moved off the reservation that he would take the entire family into the city himself.

But the Indians came back to the reservation as soon as they learned what the city had to offer. Many is the story by BIA people of how Indians got back to the reservations before the BIA officials who had taken them to the city returned.

When the space program began, there was a great deal of talk about sending men to the moon. Discussion often centered about the difficulty of returning the men from the moon to earth, as re-entry procedures were considered to be very tricky. One Indian suggested that they send an Indian to the moon on relocation. "He'll figure out some way to get back......

Not only the bureau, but other agencies, became the subject of Indian humor. When the War on Poverty was announced, Indians were justly skeptical about the extravagant promises of the bureaucrats. The private organizations in the Indian field, organized as the Council on Indian Affairs sponsored a Capital Conference on Poverty in Washington in May of 1966 to ensure that Indian poverty would be highlighted just prior to the passage of the poverty program in Congress.

Tribes from all over the nation attended the conference to present papers on the poverty existing on their reservations. Two Indians from the plains area were asked about their feelings on the proposed program.

"Well," one said, "if they bring that War on Poverty to our reservation, they'll know they've been in a fight."

At the same conference, Alex Chasing Hawk, a nationally famous Indian leader from Cheyenne River and a classic storyteller, related the following tale about poverty.

It seemed that a white man was introduced to an old chief in New York City. Taking a liking to the old man, the white man invited him to dinner. The old chief hadn't eaten a good steak in a long time and eagerly accepted.

He finished one steak in no time and still looked hungry. So the white man offered to buy him another steak.

As they were waiting for the steak, the white man said, "Chief, I sure wish I had your appetite." I doubt it, white man," the chief said. "You took my land, you took my mountains and streams, you took my salmon and my buffalo. You took everything I had except my appetite and how you want that. Aren't you ever going to be satisfied?"

People are always puzzled when they learn that Indians are not involved in the Civil Rights struggle. Many expect Indians to be marching up and down like other people, feeling that all problems of poor groups are basically the same.

But Indian people, having treating rights of long standing, rightly feel that protection of existing rights is much more important to them. Yet intra-group jokes have been increasing since the beginning of the Civil Rights movements and few Indians do not wryly comment on movements among the other groups.

An Indian and a black man were in a bar on one day talking bout the problems of their respective groups. The black man reviewed all the progress his people had made over the past decade and tried to get the Indian inspired to start a similar movement of activism among the tribes.

Finally the black man concluded, "Well, I guess you can't do much, there are so few of you.

"Yes," said the Indian, "and there won't be very many of you if they decide to play cowboys and blacks.

Another time, an Indian and a black man were talking about the respective races and how they had been treated by the white man. Each was trying to console the other about the problem and each felt the other group had been treated worse.

The Indian reminded the black man how his people had been slaves, how they had not had a chance to have a good family life, and how they were so persecuted in the South. The black man admitted all of the sufferings of his people, but he was far more eloquent in reciting the wrongs against the Indians. He reviewed the broken treaties, the great land thefts, the smallpox infected blankets given to the tribes by the English, and the current movement to relocated all the Indians in the cities, far from their homelands.

Listening to the vivid description, the Indian got completely carried away in remorse. As each wrong was recited he nodded sorrowfully and was soon convinced that there was practically no hope at all for his people. Finally he could stand no more.

"And do you know," he told the black man, "there was a time in the history of this country when they used to shoot us just to get the feathers!"

Providing information to inquisitive whites has also proved humorous on occasion . . . Louie Sitting Crow, an old timer from Crow Creek, Dakota, used to go into town and watch the tourists who traveled along Highway 16 in South Dakota to get to the Black Hills. One day at a filling station a car from New York pulled up and began filling its tank for the long drive.

A girl came over to talk with Louie. She asked him a great many questions about the Sioux and Louie answered as best he could. Yes, the Sioux were fierce warriors. Yes, the Sioux had once owned all of the state. Yes, they still wished for the old days.

Finally the girl asked if the Indians still scalped people. Louie, weary of the questions, replied, "Lady, remember, when you cross that river and head west, you will be in the land of the fiercest Indians on earth and you will be very lucky to get to the Black Hills alive. And you ask me if they still scalp. Let me tell you, it's worse than that. Now they take the whole head."

As Louie recalled, the car turned around and headed east after the tank was full of gas....

One-line retorts are common in Indian country. Popovi Da, the great Pueblo artist, was quizzed one day on why the Indians were the first ones on this continent. "We had reservations," was his reply. Another time, when questioned by an anthropologist on what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours. " A young Indian was asked one day at a conference what a peace treaty was. He replied, "That's when the white man wants a piece of your land."

The best example of Indian humor and militancy I have ever heard was given by Clyde Warrior one day. He was talking with a group of people about the National Indian Youth Council, of which he was then president, and its program for a revitalization of Indian life. Several in the crowd were skeptical about the idea of rebuilding Indian communities along traditional Indian lines.

"Do you realize," he said, "that when the United States was founded, it was only 5 percent urban and 95 percent rural and now it is 70 percent urban and 30 percent rural?"

His listeners nodded solemnly but didn't seem to understand what he was driving at.

"Don't you realize what this means?" he rapidly continued. "It means we are pushing them into the cities. Soon we will have the country back again."

Whether Indian jokes will eventually come to have more significance than that, I cannot speculate. Humor, all Indians will agree, is the cement by which the coming Indian movement is held together. When a people can laugh at themselves and laugh at others and hold all aspects of life together without letting anybody drive them to extremes, then it seems to me that people can survive.

 American History
Donna Flood's Stories & Poems
Commission a unique painting from Donna here!
You can email Donna Flood here!

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but....Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it  (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."

HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN WOMAN

Wine her,
Dine her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Shop with her,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Give her many horses,
Bead for her,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Play Native music for her,
Compose a song for her,
Set up camp for her,
Call her by her Indian Name,
Hunt for her (clean it for her),
Carry her chair atthe Pow-Wow,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow season,
Give her beautiful Indian Jewelry,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Always tell her, her fry bread is better,
Give her many Pendleton Blankets, and no Indian Time,
Give her lots of attention and Sing beautiful Native music to her.


HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN

Show up with an Indian Taco, Corn Soup and an extra piece of fry bread.......

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."

rez (reservation) dawgs

How can you spot the difference between a regular canine and a Rez dog?

  Throw each one in the oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

  The regular canine should come out tender and moist.
  The Rez dog will come out with a towel wrapped around his waist saying,

  "Dang that was a good sweat!"

PoncaJohn and TexasTweety

"Grandpa, don't you wish all the white men would go back to Europe?" the  young Sioux asked.

"Not till they pay us for the Black Hills!" the old man snapped defiantly!.

Counting to Ten in Kiowa:
 
K' one
 
K' two
 
K' three
 
K' four
 
K' five...

What's the difference between a white guy praying in church and a white guy praying in an Indian casino?
 
(The one in the casino is sincere).

What's a mile long and four feet high?
A Hopi Grand Entry

Q: What do you call a Sioux guy out walking his dog?
A: Vegetarian

 Q: What do you call a Cheyenne guy with two dogs?
 A: Rancher

Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert. "I understand that you Indians have brought your own indigenous survival equipment" ventured their captain.
 "Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus" said the Pima guy proudly. "When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink." The captain looked impressed.
 Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said " Sir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains". The captain looked even more impressed.
 Not to be outdone the Pawnee guy said "I brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala". "Why would you do that?" the captain asked. "Well," said the Pawnee guy "when I get too hot, I just roll down the window".

"Knock knock"
 
"Who's there?"
 
"Dishes"
 
"Dishes who?"
 
"Dishes da Navajo police... OPEN UP!"

 An Osage lady had just bought a new car with her headright money. She sent her Choctaw boyfriend to the back of the car to check out her turn signals. "Are they working?" she asked.
 The Choctaw guy responded "Yes... No... Yes...No...".

 Two Cheyenne guys on relocation spied a sign in a cafe window that said "hot-dogs". Thinking they were some other kind of dogs, they ordered two to go, and went to a park to have lunch. The first Cheyenne guy looked inside his sack, and then threw it down in disgust.
 "What part did you get?" asked his buddy.

 An elderly Choctaw couple was driving back from visiting their neighbor when the old lady wondered if the geese they had been given were safely put away in the pickup bed. "Hey you got dem goose?" she asked her husband.
 "Quit your cussin'" he said.

 Two Poncas stole a hog, and put it on the front car seat between them.
   Suddenly they hit a road block. Thinking fast, they disguised the hog by putting sunglasses on it, and by tying a lady's scarf around its head. The trick worked, and the deputy let them go.
 "Don't that break your heart?" the deputy asked the sheriff as they drove away. "Them two Ponca Indian boys .. out with that beautiful white woman".

 The rez cop disciplined a reckless driver by smacking him over the head, and then let the driver and his passenger go. Two minutes later the rez cop stopped the same car again, walked over to the passenger's side, and then hit him over the head.
     "Hey!" yelled the passenger. I didn't do anything! Why did you hit me?"
      "Just making your wish come true" said the rez cop. "I know you said 'I wish that s.o.b woulda tried that s*it on ME".

 Q: What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Pottowottomie, and a Paiute?
 A: A chickie-pot-pie

 An Indian woman went to the school to register her boys.
 "How many children do you have?" asked the secretary.
 "Ten" she said.
 "And what are their names?" she was asked.
 "Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob" she said
 "They're ALL named Bob?" the secretary asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing?'
 "That's easy" she explained. "I just call Bob and they all come running".
 "And what if you want them to come and eat?" the secretary asked.
 "I just say Bob, come eat your dinner, and they do". She said.
 "But what if you want just ONE Bob to do something?" asked the secretary
 "Oh that's easy" she said. "I just use their last names".

POSITION: Mom, Mama, Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at  least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all  ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must  always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is  to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and  bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption  that college will help them become financially independent. When you die,  you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for  life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated (and to your children so that they know what it takes to be a parent).

You know it's time to lose weight when:

*  You can't see your moccasin strings anymore

*  You "duck" during the duck and dive and you can't get back up

*  You find yourself bringing zip lock bags and a sack to the powwow feast

*  You get in line twice at the powwow feast and lie by saying, "this plate is for my grandma who's sitting in the car," and you don't realize she just went through the line 10 people ahead of you.

*  You can't fit your choker, because you no longer have a neck

*  Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car

*  The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on

*  The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car

*  You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips

*  You don't even feel your mosquito bites

*  You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair

*  People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt

*  You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle

*  You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"

*  You almost pass out in the sweathouse using only one rock

*  You get scared your belly button might come untied

*  In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand

*  Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line

*  You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the drum

*  Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around

*  You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on

*  Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"

Indian Power

INDIAN POWER means pride in the fact that you have enough kid's to have a tribe of your own!

INDIAN POWER means maintaining your health is through a strict diet of nutritional USDA foods that just Commodities can offer, keeping that Comod bod in tip top shape!

INDIAN POWER means a way to a richer life is through the government!

INDIAN POWER means that those white guy's in government, still, never established a master plan to kill you and your people off--yet!

INDIAN POWER means having the stamina to party all night when all the good looking girls are all snagged out, no more beer left, or just getting too messed up and talking too much resulting in getting kicked out of the party.

INDIAN POWER means eating four to five Indian Taco's in one night at a powwow!

INDIAN POWER means having an Iron liver to drink any race under the table and laughing at them when they pass out...except, maybe, for those Irish!

INDIAN POWER means that you have a load of relative's to back you up...when needed!

INDIAN POWER means that your people are the epitome of all firefighter's!

INDIAN POWER means determination to save thousands of dollars, over a course of a year, for a pow wow knowing the fact it's all going to be given away in a matter of minutes. Unless, of course, your tribe has a casino!

INDIAN POWER means having extreme skill & concentration to play a multiple number of Bingo cards  all at once while simultaneously visiting the person next to you!

INDIAN POWER means using that power to try, hard not to laugh  when a wannabe tries to claim they're Cherokee and their great grandmother was a Cherokee princess.

INDIAN POWER means that if you met those pitiful pilgram's yourself they would have been dead on the spot, especially Christopher Columbus who was lost!

OLD NDN TRICK

Recently a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete's tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Aye!!!! Old tribal trick--enit!!?

Indian Humor - NM Style

A New Mexico State Trooper pulled over a van on I-25 about ten miles north of "The Pit". When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding the driver answered that he was a juggler and he was on his way to Sandia Casino to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by the juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and that he didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, an old pickup with expired plates pulled up behind the squad car. An Indian who was obviously intoxicated, staggered out and watched the performance briefly. He shook his head, went over to the squad car, opened the door and got in. The trooper observed the man doing this and went over to his squad car opened the back door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing?! The drunk replied...."Sha-Bro....might as well take me to jail....There's no way in hell I can pass THAT test!!!!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A TECHNO-INDIAN

1. You now know a hard drive isn't just the road to Navajo Mountain!!!
2. You have a beaded zip drive.
3. You ask chicks for their e-mail address at pow-wows and rodeos.
4. Your mouse is coated with frybread grease.
5. Before you attend a pow-wow or all-ndn rodeo, you need to check its website first.
6. Your e-mail address is: DancesWithModems@hotmail.com.
7. You send eeezzzzmail.
8. You think a floppy disk slot crammed with sage will somehow increase your connection speed.
9. Your snag doesn't want to hear that lame old "my server is down" excuse anymore.
10. You have several CPUs up on blocks in your living room.

Fry Bread

The old tribal chairman was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled the scent of fry-bread wafting into his room. Aaahhhh. . . He loved fry-bread more than anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed. . .   Down the stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife, Lillian, kneading the dough for a new batch. As he reached for one of  the fresh steaming fry-breads, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding. 'Leave them alone!' she said. 'They're for the funeral ! ' "

Speeding

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  I always go exactly the speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!  Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . .  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."