A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but....Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it  (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."

HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN WOMAN

Wine her,
Dine her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Shop with her,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Give her many horses,
Bead for her,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Play Native music for her,
Compose a song for her,
Set up camp for her,
Call her by her Indian Name,
Hunt for her (clean it for her),
Carry her chair atthe Pow-Wow,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow season,
Give her beautiful Indian Jewelry,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Always tell her, her fry bread is better,
Give her many Pendleton Blankets, and no Indian Time,
Give her lots of attention and Sing beautiful Native music to her.


HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN

Show up with an Indian Taco, Corn Soup and an extra piece of fry bread.......

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."

rez (reservation) dawgs

How can you spot the difference between a regular canine and a Rez dog?

  Throw each one in the oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

  The regular canine should come out tender and moist.
  The Rez dog will come out with a towel wrapped around his waist saying,

  "Dang that was a good sweat!"

PoncaJohn and TexasTweety

"Grandpa, don't you wish all the white men would go back to Europe?" the  young Sioux asked.

"Not till they pay us for the Black Hills!" the old man snapped defiantly!.

Counting to Ten in Kiowa:
 
K' one
 
K' two
 
K' three
 
K' four
 
K' five...

What's the difference between a white guy praying in church and a white guy praying in an Indian casino?
 
(The one in the casino is sincere).

What's a mile long and four feet high?
A Hopi Grand Entry

Q: What do you call a Sioux guy out walking his dog?
A: Vegetarian

 Q: What do you call a Cheyenne guy with two dogs?
 A: Rancher

Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert. "I understand that you Indians have brought your own indigenous survival equipment" ventured their captain.
 "Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus" said the Pima guy proudly. "When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink." The captain looked impressed.
 Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said " Sir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains". The captain looked even more impressed.
 Not to be outdone the Pawnee guy said "I brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala". "Why would you do that?" the captain asked. "Well," said the Pawnee guy "when I get too hot, I just roll down the window".

"Knock knock"
 
"Who's there?"
 
"Dishes"
 
"Dishes who?"
 
"Dishes da Navajo police... OPEN UP!"

 An Osage lady had just bought a new car with her headright money. She sent her Choctaw boyfriend to the back of the car to check out her turn signals. "Are they working?" she asked.
 The Choctaw guy responded "Yes... No... Yes...No...".

 Two Cheyenne guys on relocation spied a sign in a cafe window that said "hot-dogs". Thinking they were some other kind of dogs, they ordered two to go, and went to a park to have lunch. The first Cheyenne guy looked inside his sack, and then threw it down in disgust.
 "What part did you get?" asked his buddy.

 An elderly Choctaw couple was driving back from visiting their neighbor when the old lady wondered if the geese they had been given were safely put away in the pickup bed. "Hey you got dem goose?" she asked her husband.
 "Quit your cussin'" he said.

 Two Poncas stole a hog, and put it on the front car seat between them.
   Suddenly they hit a road block. Thinking fast, they disguised the hog by putting sunglasses on it, and by tying a lady's scarf around its head. The trick worked, and the deputy let them go.
 "Don't that break your heart?" the deputy asked the sheriff as they drove away. "Them two Ponca Indian boys .. out with that beautiful white woman".

 The rez cop disciplined a reckless driver by smacking him over the head, and then let the driver and his passenger go. Two minutes later the rez cop stopped the same car again, walked over to the passenger's side, and then hit him over the head.
     "Hey!" yelled the passenger. I didn't do anything! Why did you hit me?"
      "Just making your wish come true" said the rez cop. "I know you said 'I wish that s.o.b woulda tried that s*it on ME".

 Q: What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Pottowottomie, and a Paiute?
 A: A chickie-pot-pie

 An Indian woman went to the school to register her boys.
 "How many children do you have?" asked the secretary.
 "Ten" she said.
 "And what are their names?" she was asked.
 "Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Bob" she said
 "They're ALL named Bob?" the secretary asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing?'
 "That's easy" she explained. "I just call Bob and they all come running".
 "And what if you want them to come and eat?" the secretary asked.
 "I just say Bob, come eat your dinner, and they do". She said.
 "But what if you want just ONE Bob to do something?" asked the secretary
 "Oh that's easy" she said. "I just use their last names".

POSITION: Mom, Mama, Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at  least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all  ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must  always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is  to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and  bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption  that college will help them become financially independent. When you die,  you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for  life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated (and to your children so that they know what it takes to be a parent).

You know it's time to lose weight when:

*  You can't see your moccasin strings anymore

*  You "duck" during the duck and dive and you can't get back up

*  You find yourself bringing zip lock bags and a sack to the powwow feast

*  You get in line twice at the powwow feast and lie by saying, "this plate is for my grandma who's sitting in the car," and you don't realize she just went through the line 10 people ahead of you.

*  You can't fit your choker, because you no longer have a neck

*  Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car

*  The car naturally tilts downward on the side you always ride on

*  The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car

*  You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips

*  You don't even feel your mosquito bites

*  You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair

*  People mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt

*  You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded belt buckle

*  You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"

*  You almost pass out in the sweathouse using only one rock

*  You get scared your belly button might come untied

*  In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread stand

*  Other dancers use you for shade in grand entry line

*  You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the drum

*  Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around

*  You have to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on

*  Your parade horse is a "Clydesdale"

Indian Power

INDIAN POWER means pride in the fact that you have enough kid's to have a tribe of your own!

INDIAN POWER means maintaining your health is through a strict diet of nutritional USDA foods that just Commodities can offer, keeping that Comod bod in tip top shape!

INDIAN POWER means a way to a richer life is through the government!

INDIAN POWER means that those white guy's in government, still, never established a master plan to kill you and your people off--yet!

INDIAN POWER means having the stamina to party all night when all the good looking girls are all snagged out, no more beer left, or just getting too messed up and talking too much resulting in getting kicked out of the party.

INDIAN POWER means eating four to five Indian Taco's in one night at a powwow!

INDIAN POWER means having an Iron liver to drink any race under the table and laughing at them when they pass out...except, maybe, for those Irish!

INDIAN POWER means that you have a load of relative's to back you up...when needed!

INDIAN POWER means that your people are the epitome of all firefighter's!

INDIAN POWER means determination to save thousands of dollars, over a course of a year, for a pow wow knowing the fact it's all going to be given away in a matter of minutes. Unless, of course, your tribe has a casino!

INDIAN POWER means having extreme skill & concentration to play a multiple number of Bingo cards  all at once while simultaneously visiting the person next to you!

INDIAN POWER means using that power to try, hard not to laugh  when a wannabe tries to claim they're Cherokee and their great grandmother was a Cherokee princess.

INDIAN POWER means that if you met those pitiful pilgram's yourself they would have been dead on the spot, especially Christopher Columbus who was lost!

OLD NDN TRICK

Recently a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Pete's tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Aye!!!! Old tribal trick--enit!!?

Indian Humor - NM Style

A New Mexico State Trooper pulled over a van on I-25 about ten miles north of "The Pit". When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding the driver answered that he was a juggler and he was on his way to Sandia Casino to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by the juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and that he didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, an old pickup with expired plates pulled up behind the squad car. An Indian who was obviously intoxicated, staggered out and watched the performance briefly. He shook his head, went over to the squad car, opened the door and got in. The trooper observed the man doing this and went over to his squad car opened the back door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing?! The drunk replied...."Sha-Bro....might as well take me to jail....There's no way in hell I can pass THAT test!!!!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A TECHNO-INDIAN

1. You now know a hard drive isn't just the road to Navajo Mountain!!!
2. You have a beaded zip drive.
3. You ask chicks for their e-mail address at pow-wows and rodeos.
4. Your mouse is coated with frybread grease.
5. Before you attend a pow-wow or all-ndn rodeo, you need to check its website first.
6. Your e-mail address is: DancesWithModems@hotmail.com.
7. You send eeezzzzmail.
8. You think a floppy disk slot crammed with sage will somehow increase your connection speed.
9. Your snag doesn't want to hear that lame old "my server is down" excuse anymore.
10. You have several CPUs up on blocks in your living room.

Fry Bread

The old tribal chairman was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled the scent of fry-bread wafting into his room. Aaahhhh. . . He loved fry-bread more than anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed. . .   Down the stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife, Lillian, kneading the dough for a new batch. As he reached for one of  the fresh steaming fry-breads, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding. 'Leave them alone!' she said. 'They're for the funeral ! ' "

Speeding

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  I always go exactly the speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!  Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . .  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."